Cinder Ernst

My workday begins at 6 a.m. at World Gym in San Francisco. I am a size 14 personal trainer and aerobics instructor. I have been self-employed for over 15 years and I specialize in working with large folks from an HAES point of view. I am a certified Medical Exercise Specialist. In this article I will take you through an average day of personal training, which includes clients of different sizes, various fitness levels, and varying levels of self-acceptance. In reporting the details of how I do what I do, I hope to convey an idea of how I help to get people moving and how I inspire them to keep going.

Before I get to the case studies I will give you some background on my beliefs and practices. I have always been an active person, and I have always been a little too large to fit into mainstream ideals. I spent most of my teens, twenties, and thirties trying to change the size and shape of my body by any means necessary. In 1989 I was introduced to the size acceptance community here in San Francisco and I realized that as an accomplished fitness instructor I had a lot to offer just as I was. I began my journey to self-acceptance, and began to build my business around who I was, not what I was “supposed” to look like. I am now well known and respected as a leading expert in fitness for fat folks. I have prospered not only financially but I am rich in spirit, personal growth, and friendships from being true to my beliefs, my clients and myself.

Case Study 1: Fern

I train Fern on Mondays and Wednesdays at 6 a.m. She has been a client for 12 years. Fern is 53 years old. She started working out 11 years ago at a weight of 400 pounds. She hit a plateau of 300 pounds for several years and then her weight started to creep up. Last year she decided to have gastric bypass surgery. Fern is an RN and she researched her procedure carefully and thoroughly before she made her decision. Fern was a great candidate due to her fantastic fitness level and her strong-headed personality. She had been working out about five days each week for 12 years. As her trainer, I decided to be neutral about her choice, and simply support her exercise needs throughout her process. I know there is much controversy about this surgery, how it is marketed, and how harmful it can be. If I made Fern feel wrong for making the choice to have surgery, she might not have been able to continue her workouts in her familiar and relaxed way. One of the big lessons I have learned from the size acceptance community is to work with people however they show up. My main concern is to keep people mobile and exercising, no matter what.

Case Study 2: Lynn

At 7 a.m. I work with Lynn. Lynn is a client who started with me in January this year; she is a “newbie.” Lynn is in her fifties and she is a small woman, maybe a size 12. She has a peaceful demeanor and is an RN who has been doing hospice work for the past year. She mentioned to me at the beginning of our relationship that she was overweight, and part of her motivation for exercising was weight loss. I find that many people have that motivation. Here’s how I handled the “I want to lose weight” situation with Lynn. Because she was not over anxious about it, I just assured her that exercise would dramatically improve her health and well-being and I said it would be best to focus on that first. Two months later, she brought up the topic of diets. What program do I recommend? At that time I explained to her that it is common for personal trainers to take on the role of diet consultants, but that I never do. I don’t because I firmly believe that how you help people to be joyously active is to keep food issues out of the exercise environment. I always separate food from fitness. If someone’s workout is about losing weight or being on a diet, then when the diet ends (and they always do) the exercise usually stops. I also will not take on the role of “food police” because that eventually becomes a barrier to exercise. After further conversation on the topic, I recommended that Lynn see a nutritionist to work out a way of eating that would work for her lifestyle and personality. I put a request on our local HAES e-mail list and got a recommendation for her.

Being in the fitness business I am constantly faced with people wanting to lose weight. I find those folks benefit greatly from being around me because of my self-accepting attitude. Although I believe that everyone has the
ability to make sensible eating decisions without a diet, I don’t push my beliefs on anyone. I lead with a positive accepting attitude and I allow time and fun exercise help people take a healthy course. Being on a diet, obsessing about food and weight, and hating yourself is a scenario most people know all too well. In a very subtle way, I lead my clients down a road where they can often make peace with their bodies. For the hour that they are with me, I don’t let my clients talk badly about themselves. Eventually they learn to stop thinking poorly of their bodies. I help folks use exercise to build a strong, healthy body and to build a positive relationship with that body.

Case Study 3: Carol

At 8 a.m. I train Carol. She is a super size, long time fat activist. Carol practices law and is one of the most kind, loving and generous people I know. An interesting thing about Carol, which I also find with other folks that can afford a personal trainer, is that they are “type A” personalities. This driven and giving personality often leads to people not saving time for their own needs. Carol is nearing 60 years old and her knees are giving out. Having been caught in the cycle of losing mobility due to knee pain and becoming less mobile, her fitness level has decreased and the knee pain has worsened. I recommended that Carol take 8 weeks and make working out a priority, maybe do less volunteer work for a short period of time. I thought that whether the outcome was knee replacement surgery or more mobility and decreased pain, she’d be the winner. The better the fitness level a person has going into any surgery the better the outcome is likely to be. This is especially true of knee surgery. So we’ve been trying to do at least two workouts a week. If Carol can’t get to the gym, I’ll stop by her house and we’ll chair dance and stretch. Her partner told me that they recently took their dogs for a little walk and did their exercises on a bench in the park. Carol is getting some mobility back. She has also scheduled an appointment with the NFL San Francisco 49er’s top knee surgeon. Carol figured someone who works on big football players would be a good choice for a knee surgeon. During Carol’s workout we do a lot of upper body strengthening. We do sitting quadriceps sets, leg stretches, and upright biking. I use props that are available in my gym to make steps so Carol can get up on the bike. This 8-week plan is working; Carol is feeling stronger and better.

One of my colleagues in the gym wondered why I was not trying to have Carol lose weight. She gave me recommendations on how I could increase metabolism, make Carol work harder and burn more calories. This part of the story leads to two points. One is that people assume that large folks are tough, the bigger the tougher. I find this to be really untrue. One of my gifts is that I see the delicate parts of people and I can take good care of people because of that insight. I start with small amounts of exercise and build from there. Most of my clients have been training with me for a long time, many of them for 15 years. The second assumption is that any big person is of course trying to lose weight. This territory is sticky and uncomfortable for everyone, big and small. And everyone has so many feelings about themselves and others. I have stopped trying to explain my beliefs to other fitness professionals. And I try not to judge anyone for his or her beliefs. I do what I think is right and leave it at that. I imagine professionals in other fields run into this resistance to non-diet approaches and I wanted to share my experience.

My Turn

At 9 a.m. it’s my turn. I’m glad to have a free hour here and there so I can do my own workout in the gym. I began lifting weights 20 years ago. My motivator
was an old school friend who was a body builder. I loved weight lifting from the first trip to the gym. I learned the principle of concentrating on the muscle being worked during the exercise and I really felt strong and grounded physically. When I began my self-acceptance, non-diet journey, I started to look at exercise differently. At that time I stopped doing any exercise I didn’t like or want to do. I haven’t done the Stairmaster since. I have continued to love lifting weights. As I got older I started to accumulate injuries and develop various chronic pains. This has forced me to moderate my workouts, a tough lesson for me to learn. I had to swallow my pride and live what I teach. I was forced to listen to my body and do the workout that was right for me, no matter what anyone else thought. The insane fitness environment that I work in sometimes challenges me. But I have come to enjoy many interesting exercise techniques that I have learned through my own injuries and rehabilitation. For instance, I do challenging core stability exercises to keep my hip joints feeling good. I have also learned a great quadriceps strengthening routine that seems to keep my knee pain in check.

Case Study 4: June

I move now to my latest star student, June. She arrives at noon. June started working out recently and she took to lifting weights like a duck to water. She is strong, competent and loves to “pump iron.” June actually reminds me of myself; maybe that’s why she is my star student. June’s therapist recommended her to me 7 years ago; it takes what it takes. I know that larger people often have a lot of resistance to starting an exercise program. The resistance sometimes comes from bad experiences in school gym situations or from past fitness encounters. I learned another facet of this struggle from June. She is an incest survivor. I will let her words tell you:

“I want to speak about the part of our work together that is incredibly powerful for me as an incest survivor. Survivors of incest very often learn to leave our bodies early and repeatedly as a kind of instinctual protection (dissociation). Dissociation occurs as a response to other types of abuse or trauma, but in my experience I have seen it more often and to a more extreme degree related to sexual abuse (especially incest). Though dissociation helps us as children to endure physically and emotionally overwhelming experiences—it can result in our bodies becoming very problematic for us as adults as it had for me.

Your approach—being so grounded in helping your clients pay attention to how we are feeling in the moment in our bodies, as opposed to how much exercise we are “supposed” to be able to do, how much weight we are “supposed” to be able to lift, or how our bodies are “supposed” to look is a perfect therapeutic approach for survivors who had their bodies sexualized and objectified as children and in response, cut off from their bodies in order to survive psychologically. I feel as if I’m finally reclaiming and integrating my physical self—and I continue to feel a wide range of emotions as we do that—grief, anger, lots of joy, shame, gratitude, and grandiosity to name a few. It is very helpful to me that you are comfortable in the emotional and psychological realm.”

I am grateful that June was able to share her experience with me. You might have guessed that June is a therapist, and we are considering working together to bring the body accepting exercise approach to other survivors. I am constantly reminded that the work I do is very important.

Case Study 5: Molly

After June, I meet with Molly, who comes for a half-hour session two times per week. She has also just started working out with me. She came to me by chance, not by recommendation. Molly is a large woman, a single mom of a teenager, and works near the gym. She began her workouts because she wanted to lose weight, and she was already on a diet when I met her. About 6 weeks ago she sprained her ankle very badly and had to stop coming to the gym. This is her first day back. She has experienced a rough 6 weeks. Molly is disappointed in herself because she gained a few pounds back during her convalescence. I, of course, don’t make a big deal of that, so it is easy for her to come back to the gym. I see again and again that making the workout not about the food keeps people coming back to fitness.

I let everyone be a winner, all day long. That’s what I do for a living. I don’t judge anyone’s beliefs, desires, or goals. I find the exercises that work for my clients, and then I help those clients get the exercises done. I have a very simple approach. I call it the “unvicious” cycle. I have people do a little bit so they feel good when they leave. As they feel good, they move more and show up more positively in the world. As my clients get stronger physically, they have more confidence in their bodies. That physical body confidence translates positively into their whole lives. Whether it’s playing with kids, helping an elder or just sleeping better, a body that feels better lives better.

Cinder Ernst has been working with people of all sizes in the fitness industry for 17 years. She is a certified Medical Exercise Specialist, aerobics instructor, and personal trainer. Cinder has been featured on Good Morning America, National Public Radio, and in the San Francisco Chronicle for her ground breaking work with large folks in San Francisco. For more information go to http://www.cinderernst.com or call 415-699-5797.

This article is from the Health at Every Size Journal and can be cited as Cinder Ernst, “A Day in the Life of an HAES Fitness Trainer” from Health At Every Size 19:2 (Summer 2005).