No, this is not a traditional thin confession. I don’t know if I am thin or fat and by whose standards, and I honestly don’t think it should matter. I just wanted to share the story of my Father who has been fat for two decades now. There is nothing wrong with it and I have to be able to freely say it: my Dad is fat.

I see family pictures from my childhood and I can barely believe that Dad was once so thin! My concern is his current struggle with his weight. I am trying to understand all this Health at Every Size stuff, but it is hard not to think that his shortness of breath is not related to his weight. But I am really trying to question all my own (mis)conceptions about the relationship between weight and health….  Dad now avoids social situations because of his weight and constantly tries different kinds of diets to lose weight. the worst is when he starves himself, or when he will only eat like one type of food a day (like potatoes, or something). So far he has always gained the weight back. I am so desperate to help him, but I just don’t know how.

I see him eat and it seems like he is not even enjoying the food, he is just eating as if the food gave him some kind of comfort. So it is hard for me to tell him to only eat when he is hungry…. I don’t know what to do, but I would appreciate any help, because he doesn’t really listen to me or anyone around him and I would like to have my happy and active Dad back - you know, the guy who used to take my brothers for full days of baseball fun in the park when they were younger. I mean, I don’t want him to be thin (and who cares what I want anyway) I just want him to feel good again…

Thanks for any advice in advance… I will share any advice if I find a way to get to him.

okay, I don’t have any good advice (you should probably talk to one of the expert bloggers here)... but let me share my 2cents.

I eat A LOT when I’m stressed (studying, finals, boys!)  But my way of dealing with the munchies/desire for comfort food is by stocking my fridge with healthy foods e.g. salads, fruits, whole grain bread, almond butter, milk, yogurt, WATER.  I stock my cupboards with tea, healthy clif bars, oatmeal, kashi cereal.  Whenever I have the munchies I look in the fridge and lo’ and behold… healthy alternatives!  Craving for sweats? No problem!  I’ll have an almond buttery and jelly sandwich!  No cakes, greasy chicken from wafflehouse, burgers, hotdogs sitting in my fridge because I find myself feeling really sick after I eat those unhealthy foods.

So, in summary, your dad should probably start feeling better about himself and healthier without thinking about how much to eat, that is, once he gets used to eating healthier foods.  Tell him just try to eat whatever he wants in his fridge of healthy alternatives—his brain will take care of the rest (namely, satiety).  No need to even think about what you’re eating or how much to eat.  That’s just silly and who the heck has time to deal with such frivolous calculations? Just stock your fridge with healthy foods!  No processed foods!  I can’t tell you how much happier I am now that I’ve stopped buying those processed foods, microwave oven meals, and preserved hams and turkey from the supermarket.  I swear to you I am feel healthier and happier just eating the healthy salads, salmon, bread, yogurt, fruits stocked in my fridge.  I shop primarily at trader joes so that totally helps me make better food choices.

Stocking up on good foods is a great idea.  The opposite is also true - just don’t buy crappy foods.  This is harder when you do not live alone - I am the only large member of my household.  There are those moments (boredom, stress, craving, maybe really even just hungry) when you just go hunt up something to eat.  I do a lot better if there are not things like cookies, ice cream and such in the pantry or frig.  A lot of these things I wouldn’t otherwise eat or even think of buying but there are other tastes to consider.  I ask them not to buy this stuff or at least, don’t put it where I am going to spot it when I go foraging.
Another thing I do is get up from the table when I am finished eating.  If I hang out in the kitchen or at the table, I am going to be looking for more to eat.  That is what that room is for.  Dinner conversations and socializing can continue in another room.
(To the site monitor - Is this type comment in the right place, or should it be with “diets suck” or some healthy living comment?)

Thanks, guys! These are great suggestions and I feel pretty empowered to try them now. Motivation is the best. :-)

Hi CA Girl,

I so hear and love your dedication to helping your dad to feel better.  It’s really beautiful to see your love for your dad shining through in your question.

Your dad is in a really difficult spot that so many chronic dieters are in.  He’s probably lost weight on diets, gained it back, blamed himself, and then started a new diet only to have that cycle happen again.  It is such a difficult cycle of happiness and guilt, self-blame and self-doubt, and starvation and (sometimes) binging.  He’s probably at the point where he feels guilty and anxious when he eats anything, so he’s unable to allow himself any pleasure from food (or anything else).

Truthfully, the best thing that you can do is love him and appreciate him.  That is what he needs most right now.  There are some great books on Health at Every Size (I would start with Linda Bacon’s book of the same title).  You could read the book and maybe show it to him and tell him how much interesting info is in there.  I also have a blog entry from a while back on all the problems with dieting (http://bodylovewellness.blogspot.com/2008/07/why-diets-are-bad-idea.html).  He might find it empowering to learn that nearly all diets fail and that it’s not his fault. 

I work with people who are in his situation all the time.  My first consultation is free, so if you want to, you can let him know about my site (http://www.bodylovewellness.com).  We could set up a free initial phone consultation and I can talk through some of his issues with him.

Feel free to comment here or send me a message if you need further support.

Best wishes,
Golda

P.S. Thanks also Sarah T and Phat 1 for their helpful suggestions.  I love the community that we’re creating here.

My 2 cents if you want it: I would also mention that your dad and you read The Diet Myth by Paul F. Campos.
Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon is an amazing book, as suggested. We need to get the truth out about dieting and all the problems with it.
As a recovering bulimic, these books and others have saved me. I also reccommend It’s Not About Food by Laurelee Roark and Carol Emermy Normandi. This book is geared toward women but still the emotional eating is touched upon in depth and anyone male or female can relate.