Even as a teenager my Mom and Grandparents constantly commented on my weight.  “Oh, you gained a few pounds again, better be careful!” I always thought that they were concerned about my well-being, but later I started to realize that they were probably also interested in not having a chubby daughter.

I am an adult now, have two children and when we meet for holidays I still get the occasional comment about my weight whether I gained or lost some. I truly love my family, but I think most of my problems with my own weight are related to their obsession with how I look.

I don’t want to offend them, but I am just so angry every time they say something. Do you have any suggestions for ways to respond to these comments?

Dear Angie,

Thank you so much for this great question.  Being around family can be so challenging—it’s as if we walk in the door and are transported back in time to when we felt small and powerless.

I have a technique that I often use when I need to get my point across but don’t want to offend.  The first part is to acknowledge where the other person is coming from.  With your family, they probably assume that they’re being either helpful or complimentary.  The second part is to state very clearly how you want them to proceed in the future.  In this case, you can use something like this:  “I realize that you’re trying to be helpful, but it upsets me when you discuss my weight.  Please do not bring up my weight again.”

If it doesn’t get through to them the first time around, just keep stating it.  Remember, speaking your truth and acknowledging your feelings is as important (if not more so) than worrying about offending your family.  Your family can deal with your truth and you will feel so good to have spoken it.

If you need more support around this, feel free to check in again.  Wishing you the best!

Dear Golda,

I think you are absolutely right. Angie, you just need to be upfront and tell your family the way you feel. Eventually I am sure they will listen.

Agreed. You need to be upfront but keep in mind that many times your family is only looking out for your health and well-being. Talk to them and let them know how you feel and how their constant nagging is sometimes hurtful. They will realize it and resort to alternative ways to help you get healthy - like cooking healthy meals together or engaging in outdoor activities as a group…

THUNDER THIGHS! This is the best, best, best screen name I have ever seen! Wow!
That is a great idea! I will propose a healthy cooking fest with my family next time we get together. Great idea!

Any recipe ideas? I guess I can look amongst the recipes I saw somewhere on this site. Thanks again!

I’m very new to this site. Where is the database of recipes?

I am not sure if there is actually a database, but I just looked it up, there is a woman who gives weekly tips for a food item we should use and there are recipe ideas for each item - for example this week’s tip is here:

http://www.moreofmetolove.com/blogs/entry/brain-food-eggs-actly-what-you-wanted-to-hear/

Hope this helps!

Golda Poretsky, H.H.C. - 24 March 2009 08:44 PM

Dear Angie,

  “I realize that you’re trying to be helpful, but it upsets me when you discuss my weight.  Please do not bring up my weight again.”

This is a great idea - being direct! At the same time i know my family, which doesn’t do “direct” real well, shall we say… So their likely response to this will be either to be overly defensive or sarcastic, or to tell me i “need” to be told about my weight.

If it doesn’t get through to them the first time around, just keep stating it. 

I couldn’t agree more with your advice…it’s great.  And. I want to continue the conversation on this issue…because heaven knows my family will continue it, when i request that they stop talking about my weight. I agree that continuing to state the same thing already stated to them is likely the best response. Often that “broken record” technique works really well.

I guess my main worry is that i get so mad when i feel unheard. And this is my stumbling block, over and over, any time i do any fat activism, but especially for my son or for myself. My emotions get very high very quickly…what to do for that?

Maggie

Next time this happens embrace your size and tell them how you feel about their comments. These type of comments will never end I can assure, but it’s how you cope with them is the answer. Look them dead in the eye and tell them to stop and let them know you don’t appreciate there yearly weight talk.