My friend and I were debating this the other day. We were talking about the preferences of men when it comes to size of women. (haha, the slogan of this site is Size doesn’t matter and now that just gained a whole new context in my head but I won’t go down this road. sorry)

So there are a lot of interesting portrayals in the media about men who prefer the chubby healthy mama type of woman. I always thought that was really awesome. But is that the case in real life? Movies also mostly show thin women getting the star of the show. What kinds of conceptions do men have about size when choosing their female partners? Is there a difference between what size female they choose for short and long term? My friend said that evolutionarily men are attracted to women with wider hips because that means an easier childbirth. Is that even true? If yes, does that mean that men look for wives who are a healthier size that their short-term girlfriends? Does our body size even matter? I guess so, but does it matter from the perspective of the man or does it matter how the size of a woman impact her self-confidence and thus impacts her attractiveness to men?

So many questions….I just know that sometimes when I go to a party the way I feel about my size impacts my self-confidence. I wish this was not the case, but it is. I find that men are more likely to talk to me when I feel less fat. But that’s the tricky part. Is it that I am less fat or that I FEEL less fat that makes me more attractive?

I’ve been attracted to fat women (yes, I use the word because everyone knows what other words mean anyway) since age 11, and even before then I just was keyed in to their presence. I remember when I was really young my eyes would just snap to the body of a fat girl or woman.

CA girl - 11 April 2009 04:02 PM

I always thought that was really awesome. But is that the case in real life? Movies also mostly show thin women getting the star of the show. What kinds of conceptions do men have about size when choosing their female partners? Is there a difference between what size female they choose for short and long term? My friend said that evolutionarily men are attracted to women with wider hips because that means an easier childbirth. Is that even true? If yes, does that mean that men look for wives who are a healthier size that their short-term girlfriends? Does our body size even matter? I guess so, but does it matter from the perspective of the man or does it matter how the size of a woman impact her self-confidence and thus impacts her attractiveness to men?

Lots of good questions, and here at least are my own answers. They may or may not be exactly the same as other men who are fat-positive. I certainly am a real life being.

Mainstream movies are always partly propaganda; they show what those in power want people to see. As far as conceptions about size…. I am a very nerdy political engineering type of guy, but I really don’t feel that the way I react to women’s size is as much a conceptualization as it is just raw hardwired lust. Yes, I think there is probably an evolutionary factor to the wide hips attraction, but you seem to impute that men are naturally given to bifurcating a choice between long and short term partners. I think that men are a diverse lot, and certainly there are those who seem to want to experience sex with as many partners as they can manage to find. But I also think there are those who, having had good experience with one or a few partners, are more apt to hew to the good they know.

To your last question, my answer would be that both are true; the physical geometry of a woman’s body is a very strong part of it, but so is her body image, which I see as the interface between her body and her personality. I do think that the way someone’s body moves is affected by mood, that body language can telegraph quite a bit to those who are looking.

So many questions….I just know that sometimes when I go to a party the way I feel about my size impacts my self-confidence. I wish this was not the case, but it is. I find that men are more likely to talk to me when I feel less fat. But that’s the tricky part. Is it that I am less fat or that I FEEL less fat that makes me more attractive?

This question of course indicates that you are imputing a hostile polarity where it does not necessarily have to be so, namely “feeling fat”. This is of course a widespread problem, in my own opinion a very self-destructive trope which dictates a kind of cognitive schism, an imperative to do harm to oneself to feel good.

The part of me which is given to creative mischief, when given this line about “feeling fat”, wants to say that I feel fat every time I give my wife a hug, and negativity is the farthest thing from my mind when I do. Is that not one of the very core issues? Accurate self-identification should be a cause for a joyful calm and the basis of realistic plans of action, not some self-imposed article of shame.

Which is why I feel that men who are attracted to fat women need to be prepared to engage in the political sphere on these issues. It is too important a thing to limit merely to one’s own sex life.

CA girl - 11 April 2009 04:02 PM

So many questions….I just know that sometimes when I go to a party the way I feel about my size impacts my self-confidence. I wish this was not the case, but it is. I find that men are more likely to talk to me when I feel less fat. But that’s the tricky part. Is it that I am less fat or that I FEEL less fat that makes me more attractive?

Hi there.

I believe that self confidence, self image, and general wellness have a great impact on how we are perceived by those around us.

My spouse has literally doubled in weight and size since we were first wed, but when she is feeling happy and confident she looks exactly the same ( to me ) as she did when we first met.

She and I have also noted that people, men and women, in various social settings often compliment her appearance when she is confident and feeling good.

I have been fat since junior high.  When I started to gain weight as a teen, I didn’t have good self esteem at all.  I tried to hide it but I feel like people could tell.  I didn’t really start dating until college once my sense of self gradually started to change.  Once I was comfortable with how I looked, men started to take notice.  My current relationship is with a “FA” but before him, I dated men who loved all women and didn’t have a preference between dating a fat/slim woman.  They liked me for me.  So yes, you do have the men that specifically like bigger women but I find that a lot of men like the woman for who the woman is, not what she is.  It all starts with confidence.  Confidence is sexy no matter what size you are and men are drawn to that.

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Wow, thank you so much for the thoughtful and wonderful responses. I am so grateful for your input. I don’t know how I missed your comments before, but I am so grateful I found them now. I can’t believe it was in 2009 that I first write about this.

Elfcat, your comments are thought-provoking, CatNap your relationship with your wife sounds wonderful and Jen you are absolutely gorgeous - I love your pic! rival, I will respond to you in just a bit.

So, first, it was interesting to re-read what I wrote a while ago. I sound so confused (I guess not in a bad way) in my note, but I really just had a lot of thoughts in my head at the time.

I think all your points are very well made. It is not fair to generalize about men stating that “men as a group of people like bigger girls as wives and skinnier girls as girlfriends” or “men like girls of any size more if they are confident” or anything similar.

In the past several months I have been pretty happy with myself and with my body. Every morning I walk (well, except Sundays) and I try to go to yoga a few times a week. Both of these things I really enjoy. I try to ask people to come along on the walk and it is great to chat while exercising. And I find yoga a great way to stretch and have some non-threatening movement (to me mentally, mostly). I think yoga builds more strength than people give it credit. Sorry, I digress…

My point is that I have found two great ways to keep my body happy. Instead of “feeling fat” or “feeling skinny” I just am, I don’t really think about my size. Though, Elfcat, your point is well made that we should just be aware of our size.

I think in certain situations, when people are upset at us, they tend to quickly search for the thing that they can say that will hurt us the most. This can be someone you know, but sometimes also someone you don’t know. When someone who says to me that I am large in whatever way, I think they are not really talking about my size, they are just looking for something that they think they can hurt me with the most. And, in many cases, their assumptions are right - that big people are insecure about their size so it is easier to hurt them that way. But in any case like that, we can just tell ourselves not to listen.

But, I can tell you one thing for sure: no guy is ever going to ask me to lose weight again.

I am happier and content now. I feel healthier and that is what matters.

I really appreciate you guys’ thoughtful comments. Rival, I am not sure what you are trying to say. Could you please clarify?

Where do I start ? I’ve found a lot of men do like bigger women and I know there are a few men who secretly adore us lol. I’m on a few dating sites that cater to all sizes but I’ve found men like women with abit of meat on their bones. I went from a size 44 to a 18-20 in 3 yrs and been told by a few bbw admirers for me not to lose anymore.
Seems like the acceptance have gotten alot more over last few yrs due to the internet and shows that show that big girls can be fun and happy. I think it comes down to your confidence level and how you show yourself. I used to hide behind baggy clothes now I live in shorts, and tanks all summer long and now the clothing manufactors are realizing there is a need for attractive bigger clothing they are coming out with a lot nice and have to say sexier clothing.
So to answer your question the answer is YES

I think it is all in the confidence of the woman. I am now over 50 and haven’t been under 200 lbs for the last 30 years and haven’t had one problem attracting men (and was married twice). It all depends on what you project. As far as the clothing- yes, that is part of it. Don’t wear tent dresses or moo moos. Use good hygiene, dress how you want to dress, and smile. Most importantly- talk to men you may consider dating material in just the same manner you would any other person you see on the street. Be yourself, be kind, and don’t be someone you aren’t. If the real you comes out- not obsessed about your weight- the man isn’t going to notice your weight after the first few seconds, either.  I am overweight, but healthy- go to zumba twice a week, take square dance lessons and walk four evenings a week. Where do you think I meet most of the men I have met? At the walking trail of course!

All very thought provoking comments. I am currently at nearly my highest weight ever and not feeling very good about it…BUT I think some men DO enjoy larger women, some secretly and others more openly. I work with many black women (I’m white by the way) and we have had the discussion several times about racial differences in attraction and dating. AS A GROUP (NOT trying to start anything!) black men are much more accepting of fat women. I’ve been married for nearly 30 years to a white guy who was always attracted to me even after I gained 150 lbs during our marriage and after two pregnancies. I think it’s a cultural thing, there seem to be many more big black women who accept and even revel in their fatness, I love that and wish I could do it!! White culture as a whole seems to be about us all looking like Victoria’s Secret models. :-P

Not in my experience. I’ve tried BBW sites and the only thing I’ve found is men who want sex with no commitments, and don’t want to go out in public with you.  It doesn’t matter if I’m upbeat, positive, or nuetral. So I would guess no they don’t, UNLESS, I am too big even for the guys who like big women OR I have a creep magnet somewhere on my body and that’s all I can attract.