Life in the Fat Lane

When The Force Isn’t With You

by Paula Londe
October 19 2011

Having your picture taken with Darth Vader doesn’t happen every day. He’s not like Santa Claus, showing up at holiday parties year after year, the bachelorette found at every bar every Saturday night, or, say, your Grandma.

With such rarity, a picture with Darth Vader should be cherished, right? Why, then, did I delete it immediately?

Because I didn’t like the way I looked.

And we’re not just talking about a bad hair day. I couldn’t believe that was me.Is my face really that full? Is my belly really that round? Does my shirt really not flatter me so?

Stunned or Stunning

When I look at myself in the mirror every day I think I look pretty cute. And let me tell you, that’s hard for me to own, much less actually say to you.

So this picture was a shock. Is that how I really look? That happy smile is mine; I feel the muscle memory. Those curls with which I contend minute by minute - yup, they’re me. So all the rest must be me, too, right? Is this how other people see me?

Does the Camera Lie?

They say the camera doesn’t lie. As an amateur photographer I disagree. There can be beauty in a setting that a shot fails to capture. That’s the frustration of the art and the joy of a successful shoot.

Was this simply a bad picture with Darth Vader? Nope. I don’t think so. There are other pictures I dislike with just as much vehemence.

So What Now?

But now I don’t know what to do.

Study pictures of myself until I find peace? That feels silly. Maybe it’ll work though. I don’t have the answer. I turn to an expert to guide me…and perhaps you.

What do you do when you don’t like photos of yourself? How do you get to a place where you do?

Files

Paula is a marketing strategist during the week and avid photographer on the weekends. With a goal to visit all 50 states, she writes about her adventures and shares history, observations, and laughter at Americana The Beautiful.

Comments

• Jay Solomon | posted October 23, 2011

  Though these women opted not to share their remarks publicly, they did send them in, and I wanted to share them with everyone to emphasize the degree to which Paula’s experiences are spot on with what women around our country and culture are feeling.

  First Respondent:

  I wish I had the answer to looking in the mirror and appreciating what I see.  I wish I could see my whole self and not just the body that holds me.  It’s a work in progress and I LOVE your latest article.  LOVE!

  Second Respondent:

  Just read your Darth Vader story and thought it was terrific and well written. I can’t think of anyone that has not said some version of “that is not a flattering picture of me” regardless of their size or gender. Nice story- thanks for sharing it!

  Third Respondent:

  I LOVE this!!! and you must’ve been reading my mind. I looked at myself in the mirror (after getting weighed at a doctor’s appt. on Monday) and thought, “gee, is THAT what I look like?” my diet started on Tuesday. STOP THE INSANITY (hahaha).

  I hope that Third Respondent goes to read Dr. Deah’s latest post about No More Weighting.

• Shirlangell | posted October 27, 2011

  I completely understand the picture shock. When I don’t like pictures of myself I delete or hide them to make sure no one else sees them. If by chance my hubby sees them first, he won’t let me delete or trash them because he thinks they’re pretty. I guess b/c that is what he sees everyday. Also I think he sees me through eyes of love.

  Unfortunately I do not see myself with loving eyes very much yet. I’ve tried studying the picture to see if I’ll have a more favorable opinion after a while but it just makes me want to go on a diet. Since I’m trying to get over the yo-yo self hating dieting thing, for now I just avoid seeing or taking pictures at all.

• dimply2011 | posted October 29, 2011

  There were pictures of me at my highest weight (400+ lbs) and my mother told me that she would hide them from my would-be husband at the time.  (that was about 7 years ago, i am now divorced).  I think that the very idea of hiding them made me feel ugly, unaccepted, and unloved.  I am more than 100 lbs less than that highest weight, but still plus-size.  and I struggle w/ my weight every day.
  i hate having my picture taken, and will do almost anything to work around it.  it’s so sad that I cannot handle seeing myself in a picture.  No wonder self-esteem is such a battle!

• Paula Londe | posted October 30, 2011

  Shirlangell,

  Thanks so much for reaching out and letting me know that others struggle with pictures, too.

  And you’re right, your husband does see you with loving eyes, and objective ones. I probably would see a lovely woman in your pictures and you would see the same in mine. We can be our best champion and our own worst enemy, huh?

  Shall we promise each other to genuinely smile for the camera and not let chapters of our lives disappear from public record? I’m told I have a great laugh - maybe I can fine that in the pictures. What do people say about you that can be caught in a moment in a time? Let the picture reflect THAT.

  Paula

• Paula Londe | posted October 30, 2011

  dimply2011,

  What an honest and candid comment. What strength to be to so open with your words and soul. You are insightful about actions by others and the feelings they stirred in you as a result. You are a woman who wants to know yourself and pays attention. What power.

  So I have to confess, I was damn proud of myself for even wanting to have the picture taken with Darth bc I, too don’t run towards the camera. I just so badly wanted to remember the moment, but now I remember it for the wrong reason. Sounds like you let pictures be taken but don’t like looking at them. Can we make a pact to pose for pictures and be part of the moment, celebrate and be with the people we love? So that we really live the moment. And looking at the pictures can be something to happen later. No matter how long “later” is.