This morning I put on a dress that I bought at the height of my Weight Watchers induced thinness. It’s an XL from Banana Republic (yes, even at my thinnest, I wore an XL). It’s one of the few dresses that I’ve kept from those days, due to its shocking ability to stretch into a shape that still hits my curves in all the right places.

When I bought that dress, I felt like I was living the dream. I had lost over 40 pounds, and, according to my Weight Watchers leader, there was nowhere to go but thinner, until I reached my goal weight. My goal weight was still higher than the “approved” weights for my height (which seemed overly low for someone with my frame), but I was going to get a note from my chiropractor so that when I lost another 20 pounds or so, I’d be at my goal. I’d be roughly a size 10/12, the thinnest I had ever been.

This time, it was going to work for me. This time, I was sure. This time, I had found the magic bullet, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. This time, I was going to be thin and stay thin and, as a result, have the life I was waiting to have, and love myself the way I wanted to.

How many of you can relate to those thoughts?!

As it happened, of course, I never reached my goal weight. I kept weighing and measuring. I kept calculating points. I kept exercising to get more food points. I did everything I was supposed to do, but the number on the scale kept climbing. I couldn’t raise my hand when my Weight Watchers leader asked who had lost weight this week. I clapped for everyone else but inside I felt like a failure. I felt like I had done something horribly wrong, that there was something horribly wrong with me.

When I sheepishly asked my Weight Watchers leader what I was doing wrong, she asked me if I had been sick. “Cough drops,” she said, “can add lots of hidden points.”

I hadn’t had any cough drops. I was just getting fat. Or, re-getting fat, if you will.

So, when I put this XL dress on this morning, I wasn’t sure if it was going to look good anymore. By now, I’ve gained back all of the weight I had lost on Weight Watchers, plus a little extra for good measure. After all of the work I’ve done with plus sized women, myself included, I knew not to beat myself up if it didn’t look good, but, I felt like wearing it, and in the spirit of research, I decided to try it.

I put it on, and I looked great. The dress still did what it always did. It made me look extra hourglass, accentuating my tush and breasts and de-accentuating everything else. I felt hot in it and powerful.

I realized, in that moment, that I have achieved something amazing. I have an incredible ability to love myself and to love how I look, for richer, for poorer, for thinner, for fatter, and til death do I part from this body. I can look in the mirror and love the woman I see no matter what size she is and no matter what society might think she should look like.

This ability to see myself with love goes beyond dresses and goal weights. I weigh more than I ever have, and I love myself more than I ever have. I’ve stripped away the conditions I previously attached to self-love, and it feels so good that I feel unstoppable.

So, this week, I want you to start on the self-love journey with me. I want you to write out all of the things that you’ve been requiring of yourself before you can love yourself. It may be weight loss, being on time, making more money, or any number of other things. It may be one thing, 5 things or 20 things. Whatever it is, write it all out, then stomp on that piece of paper and throw it out. Or stomp on it and burn it (carefully) in the sink.

If that felt great, tell us about it. Tell us what was on your list, if you like, and how you destroyed that list. How are you feeling about yourself now?

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Golda is a Holistic Health Counselor who graduated from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. Through her fun, simple, stress-free approach, Golda specializes in transforming people's relationships with food and their bodies.

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