This is the month for Valentine’s Day, and that’s got me thinking about love. We psychotherapists don’t use the actual L word very often. We talk to each other about theories of attachment and attunement. We talk with our clients about things such as healthy relationships, positive self-talk, self-soothing and self-care. But the main reason I do this work, the main thing I hope for, is to witness my clients learning to love themselves.

For women, I think it’s nearly impossible to separate loving ourselves from loving our bodies.  Many do try to make this separation. They’re able to set aside judgments about physical appearance and focus instead on taking pride in career, parenting, intellect, and so on. I think that’s great, because it means they’re not buying into the message we all get from the media and society: that women ARE our bodies, and little more.

On the other hand, women who only allow themselves to exist “from the neck up” may carry around a vague feeling that they’re not complete, or at least not completely okay. Plus, they miss out on the pleasure and vitality of being fully present for a multitude of experiences that can only be accessed through a physical body that is listened to and nurtured. In my paper, “Size Acceptance as a Grief Process,” I called this strategy, of simply not giving body image much thought, the “denial” stage. It often comes before the anger, bargaining, and depression stages that many of us have to struggle through on the way to fully accepting our bodies at whatever size they are. In many ways, the denial stage is the easy part, because there aren’t a lot of strong emotions to contend with.

Sooner or later, though, difficult feelings about body image and size do come up, ranging from annoying dissatisfaction to deep disgust. This is most likely to happen when bodies require more attention than usual: when we’re managing sickness or disability; when someone points out changes in our weight; when we’re invited to social, business, or family events where appearances mean a lot; when a new or potential sexual partner appears; perhaps even when it’s time to shop for clothes. When these feelings come up, that’s a good thing, because it means we’re not ignoring our bodies. We’re consciously relating to them.

To love our whole selves, we ultimately have to include our bodies, too. And I believe it can be done. I believe that women who embrace the idea of size acceptance can eventually come to love their own bodies in a deep, genuine way, not only accepting, but appreciating and admiring the way their bodies look, feel, and move.

Do you agree? If so, what do you think that genuine body love looks like? If you’re already experiencing it, or if you have moments of it, what is it like for you? If you’re not there yet, can you imagine how your life will be different, what you’ll give yourself permission to do or be, when you love your body exactly the way it is?

I’d love to hear your thoughts - leave me a comment here or post them on my Make Friends With Your Body blog!

Jeanne Courtney is a psychotherapist who especially enjoys helping women of all sizes who wish they could love their bodies exactly as they are; people who need effective ways to cope with depression, panic attacks, or anxiety; queer folks; activists; and progressive thinkers who want to change the world as well as their own lives. She holds free monthly HAES workshops in her community.