Most of us are introduced to Shame when we are quite young. Shame starts small…singular…. ”You should be a“shamed” of yourself,” “Shame on you!”

But Shame has an insidious cumulative effect. Like eating potato chips, it doesn’t usually stop at one. As time passes one Shame joins another Shame and these Shames continuously multiply exponentially until we are Shame-Full. Children running around are full of Shame and weighed down by Shame, often about trivial events and things out of their control. And because Shame feels so awful we are powerfully motivated to do anything to stop Shame.

Ragen Chastain who has an amazing blog Dances with Fat occasionally receives comments from folks that take umbrage with her size acceptance stance. One of the comments she received was, “Fat people need to be shamed. I have always been a big believer in shame; it is the most human emotion and impetus for corrective behavior.”

Shame is indeed a POWERFUL motivator.

Shame motivated me to hate myself for being too fat.

Shame motivated me to feel less worthy than someone else even if we were toe to toe in 7 out of 7 emotional intelligence areas (Howard Gardner, Multiple Intelligences Theory). I would lose because of the 8th area; the emotional intelligence of being TOO FAT (the Intelligence Howard Gardner Missed).

Shame kept me from swimming in public pools and frolicking on the beach with my young son, from see saws in playgrounds, and from taking the world by storm on the days that Shame was standing guard at my door and wouldn’t let me out.

Shame thrust me into sexual encounters that were disguised as intimacy but were really all about believing I was unworthy of anything more. Then Shame erased the afterglow of having felt wanted with a brush stroke of shame’s favorite color, “That Didn’t Count Blue.” After all, who else would want a FAT girl?

Shame motivated me to try starvation diets, liquid diets, diet pills, and fasting only to emerge thinner for a while, really grumpy, and full of Shame when I gained the weight back.

Shame motivated me to stay inside a self-imposed fortress that was constructed block by block of cinder blocks made of Shame.

Yes indeed, Shame is a powerful motivator. It motivates people to live a life FULL OF SHAME. But it’s NOT my motivator any more. I have fired Shame. I’m on a Shame Fast. TAKE THAT shame!
I have shifted from Shame-Full to Shame-Less.

I’m not saying that it is easy. Everywhere we look there are fingers wagging at us for not being enough of this - for being too much of that. Shame taunts us through the ads on the side bars of social media sites and browsers: you know the ones ... a cartoon woman starts off voluptuous and with the swipe of the mouse becomes a size 4, or a wizened older woman’s face miraculously becomes wrinkle free.

First we are told what we should be ashamed of. Then we are sold whatever it is that will take Shame away. Until that happens we are supposed to put our lives on hold. But I am not the small child anymore, unable to stand up to the wagging finger and judgmental scorn. My world is bigger than my jean size!

I have a voluptuous and fulfilling Shame-free life. And, no offense Shame, but it’s a much kinder place.

Where do you stand on Shame? Tell me in the comments below.

Dr. Deah Schwartz has more than 20 years experience using therapeutic arts, music, drama and recreation activities in a variety of clinical and educational settings with clients ranging in age from 5 to 80+. She has a Doctorate in Education, a BA in Theater, an MS in Therapeutic Recreation, and an MA in Creative Arts Education and is a Nationally Certified Recreation Therapist. This background, coupled with her fervent belief in size acceptance, has led to her passionate involvement in the “Leftovers Workbook/DVD set,” that helps people make peace with their bodies. She is also a co-author and original cast member of “Leftovers: The Ups and Downs of a Compulsive Eater,” and a co-founder of Education Through Therapeutic Arts (ETTA).

Her inspirational and thought-provoking posts are syndicated with permission on More of Me to Love from her blog, Tasty Morsels.